Beat Ram – John Yates (with No Claim to Authorship for Liability Purposes)
(or a study of the Antarctic Gannet’s major food resource)
Beat Ram is unfortunately a necessity for the Antarctic Gannet’s survival especially whilst out sledging. It shows a marked tendency to alter it’s shape, form, flavour (if any) and wrapping from one season to the next, in fact it’s almost gestalt (look it up). This is a subtle ploy on the part of the proprietors (B.A.S. Ltd.) to try and prevent any gannets getting hooked, unfortunately Beat Ram is on the hard drugs list (as well as everyone’s going home list) and the ruse is an absolute failure (like most of Wily William’s).
The forerunners of Beat Ram were mostly D.I.Y. Products – usually exactly the same as the husky nosh being brewed up in vast seething vats of manky seal. However after the Husky Rebellion of 1692 the WorldWildLifeProtection Fund stepped in to say “The Men” were in danger of extermination and should be artificially force fed. Thus the great companies of the world sat down (again) and came up with (at least it tastes like it’s been brought up) beautiful nourishing Beat Ram – the magic meal in moments. The name derived from the ancient stoningtonius:- beatus – to beat shit out of, ramus – old ram (of the 365 Racing variety not Brian). Thus the delectable little block is formed from pulped bones, brains and backsides – the lot. The flashy gaudy packaging is in ½ ton lots to provide the ballast so necessary for a high flying gannet and his sledge.
Over the years Beat Ram has exhibited several quite unique properties. By far the most outstanding of these is its astonishing reproduction rate. All gannets are well aware that one can never empty a food box of them. The faster it’s eaten the faster it reproduces – recommended solution is to swiftly slide box and contents down a crevasse after 20 gannet days have passed. Beat Ram also possesses very high powers of tenacity – a Bostik-like affinity for pan bottoms and throats is normal. The last remarkable fact is its power of metamorphism – the application of heat and pressure can, in the eyes of the beholder, turn ordinary humble stonkering Beat Ram into a glorious repast of steak & chips or even Hungarian Goulash in one of the higher class mobile noshers, Lima for instance…
In the last few years Prof. P. G. Tips and the Mighty Herm, amongst others, have been sent south to grapple with these problems. Despite much grappling they have only confirmed the strange exotic nature of Beat Ram and have been unable to solve the underlying problems (except in Monte). Their only firm recommendation was intensive advertising along the lines of WOM’s recent successful “Virgins on a Stick” campaign.
Perhaps the most telling factor recently is the marvellous impact made by Wonderful Wally in bringing the problem (and incidently W.W.) to the public’s notice. It is now rumoured that in the next season or two some sort of genuine meat substitute will probably be sent South, presumably because they’ve run out of rams. What effect this major ecological upset will have on the Antarctic Gannet remains to be seen. Tik Mick from Leicester (from the political organisation) has been heard to say that it will produce a more resolute (dissolute?) strain of gannet. Bar opinion is that the only strain produced will be on the posterior orifice – as in the past.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
- WORLD OF POOFS
- UP THE ARSE OF THE WORLD Wonderful Wally
- TITBITS – June 1972 “Nipple flicking crisis on Antarctic base”.
- HERM’S 57 GRAPPLES
- GUIDE TO GOOD EATING – Egon Ronne
- DENTIST’S HANDBOOK TO EASY SLEDGING – Jamie
- 1001 WAYS WITH MEAT BAR – B.C.S. Public Relations Department.
- WISE OLD MEN AT THE BAR
John Yates, Surveyor, Stonington 1972 & 1973 (Researched from Stonington Archives)